I used all my GOOD jokes for the book, so I'm fresh out! But if you have a joke you think is good (or bad) enough to share with others, send it to me at kingbart@comcast.net, and maybe it will show up here!

A man drives down the freeway with a penguin in his passenger seat. A highway patrolman pulls him over and says, “Hey you can’t have a penguin in your passenger seat. Take him to the zoo, pronto.”
The next day the same man with the same car with the same penguin in his passenger seat drives down the freeway. The same highway patrolman pulls him over and says, “I thought I told you to take him to the zoo?”
The man replied, “I did, and it was so much fun we’re going to the park today!”
from  Parker

Q. Why did Tigger look down the toilet?
A. To look for Pooh.
from Bob Bob

Q. What is boring annoying and you have to live with all your life?
A. Your brother!
from Ian

Q. How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, real men aren't afraid of the dark. 

Q. If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, then what's on the outside?
A. K9P 
from Kelly C.

Three people were climbing a dangerous mountain trail. Harry Potter flew up to the climbers and said, "If any of you fall, just call out what you want to be turned into and I'll turn you into it."
So the first person fell off and called "Bird!" and was turned into a bird, and flew away. The second one fell off and screamed, "Fish!" and was turned into a fish, and swam away down the river below.
The third one climbed alone for awhile, then fell off and called, "Oh crap!” 
from Rose Marie

An Actual Conversation
Student: I need to go to P.E. now.
Teacher (hearing the word “pee”): Can’t you just hold it?
Student: No, I am supposed to be there now.
Teacher: I don’t understand. You mean you are scheduled for it?
Student: Well, yeah, I’m always supposed to go to P.E. at this time.
Teacher (whispering): Do you have a medical condition I should know about?
Student: What? No! Why?
Teacher: I was just wondering why you have an appointment to always go to pee at the same time every day.
Student: P.E., P.E.! Not pee.
Teacher: Oh, P.E. Yes, you can go.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
from Cody M.

Q: There is a man named Mr. Bigger.  He has a baby son.  Which one is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby?
A: Mr. Bigger's baby, because he is a little Bigger!

Q: What one word can you make from these words: “new door”?
A: The answer is one word!!!  Get it? (I didn't get it the first time either.)

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, “Do you keep widdle wabbits here?”
The lady who owns the store smiles and says, “Sure, right over here. Do you want a fuzzy widdle brown rabbit or a cute widdle white rabbit?”
The girl shrugs and says, “Either one. My pyfon’s not picky.”

A woman from New York walks into an ice cream shop with a duck under her arm.
“Cool!” the counter guy says. “Where did you get it?”
“New York,” says the duck. “They’ve got millions of them there.”

Question: Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Answer: They have big fingers.

Did you hear about the girl who accidentally ran into the screen door? She strained herself.

A snail got mugged by two turtles. When the police arrived, they asked the snail to describe what had happened.
“I don’t know,” the snail said. “It all happened so fast!”

Question: What did the cannibal eat when he was on a diet?
Answer: Children.

The manager of a coffee bar was waiting on customers when a small angry-looking man came to the front of the line.                                                      
“What can I get for you, sir?” the manager asked.
The short man answered, “I want a coffee and I’m not going to pay because I’m not afraid of anybody!”
Since the man seemed crazy and because there were people waiting, the manager gave him a coffee.
The next morning, the manager was distressed to see the short angry man again. The man again demanded a coffee, repeating that he was not going to pay and that he was not afraid of anybody. And again, the manager gave him a coffee.
But enough was enough. Later that day, the manager hired a bouncer named Danny. He weighed three hundred pounds and had tattoos on all visible parts of his body.
The next morning, Danny stood by the order counter, smiling at the customers as the manager took their orders. As expected, the short angry man came to the front of the line and said, “I want a coffee, and I’m not going to pay because I’m not afraid of anybody!”
Danny stepped forward and leaned way down so that his massive head was near the short man’s face. In a deep voice, Danny said, “I’m not afraid of anybody either.”
The angry man nodded, turned to the manager, and said, “Make that two coffees!”

Question: What’s green and hangs from trees?
Answer: Monkey snot.

I have bad news for you. You can only use two “knock-knock” jokes for the rest of your life. Here they are:

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Yeah.
Yeah who?
Hey, you’re glad to see me!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The Interrupting Cow.
The Interru—
Moooooo!
(And remember, if a kid keeps working you with knock-knock jokes and you’re tired of playing, do this.

Kid: Knock knock!
You: Come in.)

One day, Johnny had a substitute teacher for French class.
Johnny asked, "May I go to the bathroom?"
The teacher said, "Oui, oui."

Johnny said, "No, poo poo!"

from Johah Austin

Q. Why did the one-handed ape cross the road?

A. To get to the 2nd hand store.

from Sam

(The setting for this joke takes place between a teacher and student at an elementary school)

Teacher: Little Johnny why are you 3 hours late for school?

Little timmy: My brother got hit in the ass by a bus

Teacher: Little Timmy! We don't use the word "ass" in school, we use the word "rectum"!

Little Johnny: Rectum?! It almost killed him!!

from Jackson

Once upon a time there were three trids. The trids had to cross a bridge to get into town, but every time a trid walked on the bridge, the troll who lived beneath it would kick the trids across it. One day a rabbi came passing through. The trids told the rabbi about the troll, and so the rabbi went across the bridge. But the troll didn' t do anything to him!

The rabbi said to the troll, "Every time the trids come across this bridge, you kick them, but when I come across it, you do nothing. Why is that?"

The troll looked at him, laughed and said, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for trids!"

from Cole VanBlaricom

A guy came up to a man named Arty and offered him a dollar if Arty would kill the man's business partner. Arty agreed because he really needed a dollar.

Arty went and found the man, but he was with his brother. Arty ended up strangling both of them. Arty was arrested for this shortly thereafter.

The next morning the headlines in the paper read, "Arty chokes two for $1.00."

from Cole VanBlaricom

Q. If the blue house is made blue bricks, and the red house is made red bricks, what is the green house made of?

A. Glass!

from Shawn Cusack

Q. What has four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.

Q. What do you get when you cross a hippo with an elephant with a rhino?
A. Hellifino

The two above jokes are from Matthew Breymeyer.

A little boy had to go to the bathroom. He asked his teacher, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

She said, " First you have to say your abc's."

The boy quickly said, "A b c d f h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

"What happened to the 'p' ?" the teacher asked.

The boy answered, "It' s running down my leg!"

from Ayrie Shwartzengraber

A little five-year-old girl is in kindergarten. She is nice and proper in her uniform.

The class was learning about whales and the teacher told the class that whales eat little things called plankton.

The little girl says, "Well, a man named Jonah was swallowed by a whale!" So the teacher explains to the class why that would be physically impossible.

The little girl said, "Fine, I will ask Jonah when I go to heaven if he was really swallowed by a whale."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah didn't go to heaven."

In her sweetest voice, the little girl said, "Then you can ask him yourself."

from Greg Harrison

Q: What sort of pains do snakes get when they molt?
A: Shed-aches

from Tom & Kyle Nine

There are two muffins in an oven, and one muffin says to the other muffin, "Man, it's getting hot in here!"

Then the other muffin says, "Oh my God, it's a talking muffin!"

from Linda Breymeyer

There were three brothers: Shut Up, Trouble, and Manners. One day they played "hide and go seek" and Trouble got lost. They searched for a long time and couldn't find him.

Finally they went home. Shut Up wanted some fresh air and went outside. He then saw a cop.

The cop said, "What is your name, son?"

Shut Up said, "Shut Up."

The cop said, "What is your name, son?"

Shut Up said, "Shut Up."

The cop said, "For the final time, what is your name?"

"Shut up!" yelled Shut Up.

The police officer was stunned. "Where are your manners?" he asked.

Shut Up, thinking about his brother, said, "Inside."

"Are you looking for trouble?" the officer asked.

Now Shut Up was amazed. "How did you know?" he asked.

from "magicviola"

A man was on an airplane 20,000 feet in the air. Bags of nuts were being handed out. The man opened his bag and took a nut out.

"Hey! Nice tie!"

The man turned to the woman next to him.

"You like my tie?" he asked her.

"What? I didn't say anything," she said. Surpised, the man popped the nut in his mouth and took out another one.

He heard a voice say, "Nice suit!"

He turned to the woman on the other side and said, "Hey! Thanks! It's an Armani."

"Hey, I don't know what you' re talking about, loser."

"Okay. I must just be hearing things." So the man gets up and walks to the back of the plane. "Can you give me something to help me sleep?" he asked the stewardess. "I'm hearing voices complimenting me."

"Did you eat the nuts?" the stewardess asked.

"Yes"

"Oh. That's why! Those nuts are complimentary!"

from David Fritz

Q. What do a cat, a dog, and a duck say?

A. Meow, woof, and quack!

from Sean Mackin (yes, he knows this is a brain rotting, mouth whizzing, toe jamming joke!)

A lady is taking a shower when the doorbell rings. She puts on her towel, goes downstairs and answers the door. It is a fireman.

"Congratulate me," he says. "I just put out my first fire."

"Good job," says the woman. Then she goes back to her shower. A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again. The lady puts on her towel, goes downstairs and answers the door. It is a policeman.

"Congratulate me," he says. "I just caught my first robber."

"Good job," says the woman. Then she goes back to her shower. A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again. She looks outside and sees that it's her friend, the blind man.

"I don't have to put on my towel because he can't see me," she says. She goes downstairs and answers the door.

"Congratulate me," says the blind man. "I just got my sight back."

from Kate Mackin

(Setting: A 7th grade middle school classroom. A kid walks up to his teacher, with a doctor's excuse.)

Kid: I have to leave now.

Teacher: Why, Timmy?

Kid: My doctor told me I'm allergic to learning. Can I leave now?

from Jacob Runnels

A policeman says to a guy, "Why did you park in this No Parking zone?"

The guy answered, "The sign said 'FINE FOR PARKING.' "

from Tyler Ford

A little girl who always wears skirts went to a new school. One day, a little boy named Timmy asked her to climb up the tether ball pole for a cookie, so she did.

Pleased, she went home and said, "Mommy, mommy, Timmy gave me a cookie because I climbed up a pole!"

Her mom said, "Don' t do that! Timmy' s just trying to look at your underwear."

The next day, Timmy said the same thing but offered her a dollar to climb the pole.

So the girl went home and said, "Mommy, mommy, Timmy gave me a dollar because I climbed up a pole!"

Again, her mom got mad, and the girl said she wouldn' t do it again.

Finally, on the last day of school, Timmy came up to the girl and offered her $5 to climb the pole.

When she got home, she said, "Mommy, mommy, Timmy gave me $5 because I climbed up the pole."

Her mom said, "What did I say, young lady? Now you' re grounded because he was just trying to look at your underwear."

The girl said, "But I tricked him! Today I didn' t wear any underwear!"

from Rick Kristoff

A boy goes into the hospital for an operation. When he wakes up after the surgery, he yells for the doctor.

"Help, doctor!" he shouts.

"What is it?" asks his doctor, hurrying in.

"I can' t feel my legs!" says the boy.

The doctor smiles. "I know. That's because I cut off your arms."



A boy and his sister were sitting on a couch when one of them farted.

"WHAT was THAT?!" the sister asked.

"Fart football," the boy explained. "7 to 0!"

After a while, the sister farted. "Touchdown! Tie score!"

The boy farted again, "Touchdown, 14 to 7."

The wife sister again, "Tie score!"

He didn't want to be losing to a girl, so the boy tried really, really, really hard to fart, but he pooped instead.

"What was that?!" she asked.

"Halftime, switch sides!"

submitted by Rebecca Lawler

There are three brothers and they are hunters. The oldest is super-smart. The middle brother is medium smart, and the youngest is pretty dumb. One day, the oldest brother goes out hunting and comes back with a big deer. The others ask, "How did you get such a nice deer?"

He replies, "I found the tracks. I followed the tracks, and I got the deer."

The next day, the middle brother goes hunting and comes back with an even bigger deer. The other two brothers ask, "How did you get it?"

The middle brother says, "I found the tracks. I followed the tracks, and I got the deer."

The next day, the youngest brother went hunting and found some tracks and followed the tracks. Then he got hit by a train and came home half-dead.

from by Richard L.


Boy #1: How do you get down off an elephant?

Boy #2: I don't Know - how?

Boy #1: You don't. You get down off a duck.

(If you don' t get this joke, ask somebody for help. I did!)

submitted by Rick Witte



Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?

A: Bunny farts!

submitted by Val (Alex's mom)